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Dear Journal,
I guess it’ll just have to be me starting over on the already large entry I had typed yesterday. So lets see.
As of late my father will be getting re-married. The woman is actually the one I had bitched and complained about a few entries previous. So I met her, and actually found to see she isn’t all that bad. My father made an excellent choice in whom he’s into for a relationship. She ended up staying for about a good three weeks, and now stays in our home as of now. She’s a nice person, and I don’t bother her much. She doesn’t really bother me much either, and I like that. Yes she’s a year older than me but I’ve gotten over it. One thing I have learned is fighting my father goes nowhere, as the same applies to my mother. They’ll both do it any way, so why stress myself out about it. Around October 12th my father will be having her family over for a bbq, and so I guess the whole family can get to know each other. I’m very apathetic right now to what happens between her and my father. But my father is very happy, and seems to feel like he loves her. After barley knowing her in the first place! Despite my objections to him maybe dating her longer, he went strait onto the road of getting remarried, and she accepted. I told my father that I blessed his relationship, and I hope it provides him with the happiness he needs. But I don’t agree with how you got married, and the whole age difference I don’t agree with either. For a nineteen year old she’s pretty mature for her age, and seems to be ready for commitment in her life. Which my father loves, and I hope he finds in his marriage with her something better. I’m very much aware that my father gains happiness out of being with someone, but it hurts inside to know without a woman in his life he’s UN-content. In a way I wished he would of gained his self esteem fully back, instead of finding his worth through a woman in his life. So I press on.
Attached with this woman is a girl named Ramona. She’s my age, and is a bit of a fire cracker. I’ve got tenacity and I think that’s great. But she’s the kind of girl that reminds you of a tornado! Issues, motherfucking issues, mental crap. So first off she was friends with Sabrina for about two years, and they’ve been rather close from what I know. In that two year period she did a lot of crappy things to Sabrina, and Sabrina is really agitated she never agnoledged any of it. Ramona in talking with her lived on the streets for quite awhile, and never made it out of school. Never gained her abitur (diploma), and really hasn’t been going anywhere in a long while. As my father observed, and I did as well she’s one big cry for help. Self mutilation, depression, and well gains her self worth through how many men she can sleep with at any given time. My father I guess wasn’t that great of a facilitator when he allowed her to bring two different men to the house, and meanwhile tell her that its wrong for her to not respect her body. Despite all the negativity that seems to come along with her, she isn’t a horrible person, she just had been horribly misguided, and nobody gave to shits really to help her along to a path of actually respecting herself. As of late she’s in Frankfurt, and may return back to the house. My father would like to allow her to live with us, due to the fact she is friends with Sabrina, and also her living situation. But is very much worried, because he is aware of her drug use, and the other crap that comes along with her. He’d like to help but would like that she promise to get her act together. I just wonder if she does start crap up back again if my father would actually have the patience to allow her to live here longer.
In my current living situation a brand new job offer has came to my father, and a possibility of moving may occur very soon. He actually gained a pretty promising job over in North Dakota, and I’m rather apprehensive. First off its the millionth time that my father has gotten a good job offer, and yet as I hear him speak of this brand new location I just don’t want to leave Germany. Or at least leave Germany for North Dakota. If I was to move down to Bismarck North Dakota, I’d ideally will be able to attend the University of North Dakota, have a full ride in college, and my father won’t have to keep traveling down to the Middle East. In the meantime he has that go on, he also has the job offer with the other fella, and it drives me nuts. I need routine, and I repeat that with an utter need. But I have patience, and with that patience I have hope. Shit does hope mean anything anymore?????? Apparently not in the world I live in. As far as my job for bagging at the Commissary. Darmstadt seems to be real assholes, and they need you to obtain a baggers liscencse. So you’ve got yourself the certification to bag groceries. Nowhere else in Germany do these bastards ask for it, except Darmstadt. So I am on a journey in search of whomever helps you get that certification.
Well as obvious as it sounds I think I’m dealing with my father getting re-married quite well, and I don’t have the need to fight my father anymore about it. He knows I think he’s going through a mid-life crisis, and its obvious in the fact he’s with someone so young, and well what else can be said??!? I still have Jeff (AKA ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) geoffski), and that provides me with a lot of help. These last few weeks have been pretty rough, and he’s been the sweetheart, and helped me feel a bit better about things. “Just be happy” he kept telling me, and geese it helps. Yes Mister Montee! Hahaha. I don’t understand though why we’ve got such a fascination with parking lots at all hours of the night???! Hahahha. Words can’t describe really, and I have trouble expressing my feelings good enough in the first place. He’s something in my life I find to be positive, and in just the thought of losing him. I feel out of place. I love him. As for my personal health and such I feel neither happy, or depressed. I’m just there, just trying to get through each day without losing my mind, and I think its working quite well. In the meantime I’m restless…..and yet feel hilarious.
I took some time to really think, and ask myself if I really had the right motives when it came to romantic things in my life. I can strongly say my naiveté had strongly to do with why in any romantic interest I had in years past was always out of place. Really how can one help themselves when they’re in a relationship that doesn’t provide growth. It’s funny how lessons like that have to be realized so late.
This is my life world.
-Brittany
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